Deciding When to Let Go

Since becoming a financially independent adult, I had what was perhaps unfeasible expectations that my relationship with my mother would improve. But the truth is the more successful I have become, the more my relationship with my mother has suffered.

Some people don’t know how to love, they might want to love or think they know how to love but they are incapable. To clarify, love is not measured in how much money you spend on a person or the quality of the gift you buy them. At least not in my book. I measure love in someone’s willingness to talk to me on the phone when I call them sobbing until I calm down. Love is holding me close when I’m so nervous I can barely breath. Love is taking a part of your morning to meet me to give me a hug because you know I have a hard day ahead without me even needing to ask. Love is asking questions about the things I care about even when they don’t interest you. Love is telling me that I shouldn’t change anything about myself to find a boyfriend. Love is never giving up on me even when you see me make the same mistakes over and over again.

You’ll notice a common thread about all of these acts. First of all, they are acts not gifts. Second of all, none of these things have been done by my mother.

For those of you out there who are adults that are still having trouble actually acting like one, you are not alone. I’m one of you, desperately trying to be responsible for how the people around me treat me. Here are a few things that I’ve learned that I hope can apply to more than just people estranged from their parents:

1. If someone gives you opportunities in life be that an education, a job, etc. it is up to you to make the most out of that experience but that does not give that person a right to hold it over your head for eternity in order for them to get their way.
2. As an adult, your parents cannot threaten you. If you are still living in their house then maybe they have some leverage but if you have a job and pay your own rent and have your own health insurance then there is nothing your parents can do about it. They can’t call the cops if you don’t return their phone call. They can’t take anything away if you own everything in your own life.
3. Just because someone loves you, it does not make them immune to hurting you wether it is intentionally or accidentally. Your parents don’t get a free pass to hurt your feelings because they love your or birthed you or whatever other excuse they may use.
4. When you argue with an individual, no matter who that may be, that argument should remain between you and them. My mother enjoys playing victim anytime we argue. She cries to my father that I’ve hurt her feelings which results in my father being forced to pick sides. He has yet to pick mine. In doing so, my mother has now forced an enormous divide in what was once a strong relationship with my father.
5. It is also inappropriate and immature to involve your friends. If you are fighting with someone, particularly a parent and they are reaching out to YOUR friends for solace, they are not ready to take ownership of their fault in the situation.
6. You are not a victim. I mean that in two ways. One being, in general, playing the victim is not how you ultimately repair a relationship. Looking to get sympathy only goes so far. Second of all there may be some actions on your side that need to be adjusted. Be open to that if you feel the person you are arguing with is being sincere on how you have made them feel.
7. Sometimes you need to just let go. I’m not sure I’m ready for this yet. I’m not sure I have enough people ready to catch me when I fall. Or I fear that I will put too much weight on too few people. But I know that I’ll ultimately need to make this call and when I do the only person who needs to be there for me is me.